Moan for me like Helen Keller
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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