Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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