I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Randomize
