I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize