an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
These tits shall not be calmed
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
