Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
