My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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