still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
