She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
