Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
