allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
my poor anus
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
