I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
