im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
My life is pants optional.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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