I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
