I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize