be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
