you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize