It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
