mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
