If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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