do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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