I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
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