She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Randomize
