I queefed so loud it echoed.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
