I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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