Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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