My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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