I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
