I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
