You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize