Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Randomize
