He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
