I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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