I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Randomize
