Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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