My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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