I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
You're a waste of cheezeits
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
