I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
