If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
