I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
