fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
