i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize
