literally had 100 drinks last night.
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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