You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Randomize
