I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
