he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
