My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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