The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I need to calm my uterus...
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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