they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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