I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
