I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Randomize
