Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
