Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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