my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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