Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
