Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
