I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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