STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
