she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
