My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Randomize
