She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
