i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
