who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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