Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
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