life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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