whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Randomize
