Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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