Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
There's always time for handjobs
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
