There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
