i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
