Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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